Saturday, August 23, 2008
it hurts...it really really hurts...why do i always get this kind of things coming to me?everytime you make a hurtful comment i'll have to keep quiet...if i ever let the anger or frustration that i feel inside me near the surface u'll just flare up immediately...why?...i've tried so hard to understand everything but i can't...i'm not God, whether he existed or not...but whatever...sometimes it feels as if the world will just collapse around me and u won't even care cuz i'm just a passing phase in your life...honestly...i give and i give but nothing good ever comes out of it...sometimes i even start to wonder if everyone's just using me...and everytime that thot came up, i pushed it away...call me emo if u like but i seriously feel that way...i always have to put a fake smile on my face...hoping someone will notice...but it never happened...if i ever let it out...ppl start to say that i'm trying to seek attention or that i'm just pitying myself...i always have to be the "mature" one and tell ppl things like "it will be ok" and "everythings gonna work out fine"...i reach out to others and i always try to help them but no one ever tried to reach out to me...no one will ever understand me completely...many years ago another told me that she understood me and laid out my good and bad qualities...i'll be lying if i said that i wasn't impressed then...it was like she will always protect me...but as time goes by...she changed...i'm always seen as the black sheep...along with HIM...it hurt...i tried to look elsewhere for comfort but never was i offered any...no one bother to get to know me...they just know to fake me...the one who always keeps her mouth shut about the things that mattered...i can't stand it...i feed myself illusions that one day i'll be free of all this and someone will complete me...be it as a friend or a lifelong companion...but the world keeps telling me "think again honey, life's not a walk in the garden"...i can't even make myself cry...pathetic huh?it became a habit that i never liked to cry in front of ppl because i'll be showing them exactly how i am really like...helpless...vulnerable...unable to fend for myself...it really really hurts...
--Merci tout le monde--
9:36 AM
