Sunday, November 22, 2009
Fuck this. Why the hell am I still so hung up about that incident?I mean, I sorta got to see his true colours through the type of response I got but..it still hurts. Alot...Is it really that funny, that hard to believe that someone actually likes you?I don't think so..So why?Maybe I've had too high hopes that my feelings'll be returned.Yeah, I think so..I guess it's partially my fault..But..he could've said that he didn't feel the same way as me nicely.I don't think I deserve a "khmpf!" at all,I mean, I ran after him in 2 inch heels!My feet are still sore for that..That could've been one of the best nights of my lifebut it was ruined by that..It took me so much to run up to him and confess that I like him..Honestly, I strongly believe that a guy should be the one who make the first move,not the girl. Never.I made him an exception though,'Cause that'll be one of the last time I'll ever see him againand I wanted a chance to let my feelings be made known or even returned..I guess that's just too good to be true huh?When I left with Pei yu, I really wanted to cry. Just cry and cry and cry.I didn't though 'cause I didn't want my eyeliner to smudge..Thank you Amira for helping me do my make up :)Honestly, I felt beautiful.. I know that sounds really cheesy and corny,but yeah, I felt beautiful for the first time in my life :)Thank you! *hugs*Pei Yu was really nice too. She kept trying to comfort me throughout the walk home.It's really great to have such supportive friends :)Like Eileen and Yilin too, they made this card/letter to encourage me..It made me crack up x)I can't help thinking now "Shit, I waited for this moment for two years and this is all I got?"Sounds really conceited, I know, but I can't help it.I've cried alot these two days, even over silly things.I know I'm being stupid but, sometimes, I feel as if I don't have a family.I don't think my mum cares as much about me as beforeAnd my sisters obviously don't.When they cry, I hand them tissues, hug them and tell them "Shh, it's gonna be alright."But when I cry, I'm expected to suck it up and deal with it myself'cause apparently, my problems aren't worth their time.I mean, it wasn't said to my face, but it was implied.I've cried alone these two days.My sister saw me cry but she didn't do anything. Nothing at all.There's once when I just got home from a very long dayand the first thing I got when I step into the house was a phone call from my mumand she just yelled at me over the phone about me not telling her where I was.I just kept quiet and let her scream while I sat on my bedand she still went "see, whenever I say you, you just keep quiet and don't say anything..."How was I supposed to feel?So I just sat on my bed and cry when she hung up.I cried and cried and cried but none of my sisters did anything.They were in the room too at that time,one was on the computer while the other was reading or somethingAnd they just carried on with what they were doing without a care.I felt so alone.I know there are people who don't have siblingsand don't have anyone to comfort them either.But it's really worse when there are people around youand they just ignore your pain.This song sorta reflects how I feel..not so much on the first verse but yeah..
--Merci tout le monde--
1:06 AM
Monday, November 02, 2009
I feel so useless.Call me emo but I don't know.I don't know how to express myself.I'm not very original.I don't know how to react to different situations.I don't even know myself.So basically, I suck. Big time suck.I mean, I can tell I act so differently around different people and somehow,I think I'm tired of everything.I can't dress well,Heck, I don't even know what "nice" is.I don't know what kind of clothes are "nice".I don't know if clothes look good on me.I think I lie too much.I think I give too much to people.I think I don't give enough to people.I think I rely too much on people.I think I'm jealous of so many people.I think I'm such a dork.I think I'm too lame.I think I act like an idiot, but that's just to mask my true emotions.But..what're my true emotions in the first place?Honestly, I don't even know.Sometimes, I feel so alone in this whole.Don't get me wrong, I do have a complete family.But..somehow, something's just..not there.What the hell is it??Maybe it's the weather that's getting to me.Maybe it's just exam blues.Maybe it's 'cause my family's breaking up.Maybe it's 'cause I don't know how to react to it.Maybe it's 'cause I don't even feel sad about it.Maybe it's 'cause I'm not happy either.Maybe it's 'cause I'm blaming people for it.Maybe I'm just making excuses.Or maybe it's 'cause I'm so messed up.I don't think I'm being a good enough friend.I don't think I'm being a good enough daugther.I don't think I'm being a good enough sister.I don't think I'm being a good enough role model.I don't think I'm good enough at anything.I don't even think I'm good enough person.I think my attitude sucks.I think my appearance suck.I think my grades aren't good enough.I think I'm not even putting in any effort for my grades.I think I'm too lazy.I think I'm spending too much time on the computer.I think I can't stop.I think I'm just a dreamer.I think I live in my own world.I think my world isn't even perfect.I think I'll die alone.I think my life sucks.I think I'm being too selfish.I think everything's my fault.I think I asked for it.I think I'm the one who started it.I think I think too much.I know I'm rambling.I know I'm putting the blame on others.I know I irk people.I know people hate me.I know I can't blame them either.I know I'm terrible.I know I turn people off.I know it's my fault.I know I can't please people.I know I can't keep my promises.I know I'm a failure.I know I'm miserable.I know I avoid my fears.I know I know too much.I know yet I know nothing at all.I know I'm not mad.I know.I can tell I'm wallowing in self-pity.I can tell alot of people believe in me.I can tell alot of people is supporting me.I can tell alot of people expect more of me.I can tell I'm not believing in myself.I can tell I'm not helping myself.I can tell I'm letting all these people down.What's wrong with me??
--Merci tout le monde--
11:08 PM
