woof!

2010-12-02T10:31:00.000-08:00

Moved.

New Blog: http://flyre.blogspot.com

Seeya!

2009-11-22T01:06:00.000-08:00

Fuck this. Why the hell am I still so hung up about that incident?
I mean, I sorta got to see his true colours through the type of response I got but..it still hurts. Alot...
Is it really that funny, that hard to believe that someone actually likes you?
I don't think so..So why?
Maybe I've had too high hopes that my feelings'll be returned.
Yeah, I think so..I guess it's partially my fault..
But..he could've said that he didn't feel the same way as me nicely.
I don't think I deserve a "khmpf!" at all,
I mean, I ran after him in 2 inch heels!
My feet are still sore for that..
That could've been one of the best nights of my life
but it was ruined by that..
It took me so much to run up to him and confess that I like him..
Honestly, I strongly believe that a guy should be the one who make the first move,
not the girl. Never.
I made him an exception though,
'Cause that'll be one of the last time I'll ever see him again
and I wanted a chance to let my feelings be made known or even returned..
I guess that's just too good to be true huh?
When I left with Pei yu, I really wanted to cry. Just cry and cry and cry.
I didn't though 'cause I didn't want my eyeliner to smudge..
Thank you Amira for helping me do my make up :)
Honestly, I felt beautiful.. I know that sounds really cheesy and corny,
but yeah, I felt beautiful for the first time in my life :)
Thank you! *hugs*
Pei Yu was really nice too. She kept trying to comfort me throughout the walk home.
It's really great to have such supportive friends :)
Like Eileen and Yilin too, they made this card/letter to encourage me..
It made me crack up x)

I can't help thinking now "Shit, I waited for this moment for two years and this is all I got?"
Sounds really conceited, I know, but I can't help it.
I've cried alot these two days, even over silly things.
I know I'm being stupid but, sometimes, I feel as if I don't have a family.
I don't think my mum cares as much about me as before
And my sisters obviously don't.
When they cry, I hand them tissues, hug them and tell them "Shh, it's gonna be alright."
But when I cry, I'm expected to suck it up and deal with it myself
'cause apparently, my problems aren't worth their time.
I mean, it wasn't said to my face, but it was implied.
I've cried alone these two days.
My sister saw me cry but she didn't do anything. Nothing at all.
There's once when I just got home from a very long day
and the first thing I got when I step into the house was a phone call from my mum
and she just yelled at me over the phone about me not telling her where I was.
I just kept quiet and let her scream while I sat on my bed
and she still went "see, whenever I say you, you just keep quiet and don't say anything..."
How was I supposed to feel?
So I just sat on my bed and cry when she hung up.
I cried and cried and cried but none of my sisters did anything.
They were in the room too at that time,
one was on the computer while the other was reading or something
And they just carried on with what they were doing without a care.
I felt so alone.
I know there are people who don't have siblings
and don't have anyone to comfort them either.
But it's really worse when there are people around you
and they just ignore your pain.
This song sorta reflects how I feel..not so much on the first verse but yeah..

2009-11-02T23:08:00.000-08:00

I feel so useless.

Call me emo but I don't know.
I don't know how to express myself.
I'm not very original.
I don't know how to react to different situations.
I don't even know myself.

So basically, I suck. Big time suck.

I mean, I can tell I act so differently around different people
and somehow,
I think I'm tired of everything.

I can't dress well,
Heck, I don't even know what "nice" is.
I don't know what kind of clothes are "nice".
I don't know if clothes look good on me.

I think I lie too much.
I think I give too much to people.
I think I don't give enough to people.
I think I rely too much on people.
I think I'm jealous of so many people.
I think I'm such a dork.
I think I'm too lame.
I think I act like an idiot, but that's just to mask my true emotions.
But..what're my true emotions in the first place?
Honestly, I don't even know.

Sometimes, I feel so alone in this whole.
Don't get me wrong, I do have a complete family.
But..somehow, something's just..not there.
What the hell is it??

Maybe it's the weather that's getting to me.
Maybe it's just exam blues.
Maybe it's 'cause my family's breaking up.
Maybe it's 'cause I don't know how to react to it.
Maybe it's 'cause I don't even feel sad about it.
Maybe it's 'cause I'm not happy either.
Maybe it's 'cause I'm blaming people for it.
Maybe I'm just making excuses.
Or maybe it's 'cause I'm so messed up.

I don't think I'm being a good enough friend.
I don't think I'm being a good enough daugther.
I don't think I'm being a good enough sister.
I don't think I'm being a good enough role model.
I don't think I'm good enough at anything.
I don't even think I'm good enough person.

I think my attitude sucks.
I think my appearance suck.
I think my grades aren't good enough.
I think I'm not even putting in any effort for my grades.
I think I'm too lazy.
I think I'm spending too much time on the computer.
I think I can't stop.
I think I'm just a dreamer.
I think I live in my own world.
I think my world isn't even perfect.
I think I'll die alone.
I think my life sucks.
I think I'm being too selfish.
I think everything's my fault.
I think I asked for it.
I think I'm the one who started it.
I think I think too much.

I know I'm rambling.
I know I'm putting the blame on others.
I know I irk people.
I know people hate me.
I know I can't blame them either.
I know I'm terrible.
I know I turn people off.
I know it's my fault.
I know I can't please people.
I know I can't keep my promises.
I know I'm a failure.
I know I'm miserable.
I know I avoid my fears.
I know I know too much.
I know yet I know nothing at all.
I know I'm not mad.
I know.

I can tell I'm wallowing in self-pity.
I can tell alot of people believe in me.
I can tell alot of people is supporting me.
I can tell alot of people expect more of me.
I can tell I'm not believing in myself.
I can tell I'm not helping myself.
I can tell I'm letting all these people down.

What's wrong with me??

2009-08-27T23:28:00.000-07:00

Must Watch must watch must watch!!!! xD lols...

2009-07-10T08:39:00.000-07:00

MUST WATCH!
lols...

2009-05-30T22:31:00.000-07:00

By the way...i had a haircut and rebonded my hair on friday...i think my hair looks a bit toot now =p

2009-05-30T21:46:00.000-07:00

Heys back again!jus got back my report book on riday and didn't do very well overall =( only 1 A1 and the rest are B4's and C5's...must buck up already....my l1r5 is 23 leh!so high...how to go jc? *cries* had been having chinese lesson for the whole of the past week and it was SO boring!did compo,letter writing and paper 2 for the whole week and the worst part is that 4F and 4G are so noisy that i cannot concentrate on the task at all =( haiz....

AHHHHH!!!!!!!!chinese o'level on monday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!die le,Die le,DIE LE!i think i'll really need all the luck i can get :(

buhbye....

2009-05-15T09:22:00.000-07:00

and i changed my blogskin again xD TRC rawks!!!!!

Nitenite!

2009-05-15T03:16:00.000-07:00

The weekend finally came!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
argh...was so tired this whole week...everyday just seemed to be a repeat of the previous day that i still think today's just thursday =p actually i won't be surprised if i got really bad results 'cause i only studied the day before all my papers x( but i think i'll start revising my bio tomorrow and my A maths on monday and tuesday...3 subjects left!!!!!!!!!!! and i'm free!plus free ice cream from a very compassionate teacher xD hahas...well duh, any teacher whose kind enough to treat his whole math band class to swensens ice cream is compassionate! lols...ok, he has other good points too =) i mean, he doesn't really give us much homework and pressure as long as we still produse the results =)
ok i wanna enjoy this freedom for a little longer.
buh-bye!

2009-05-09T10:15:00.000-07:00

changed my blogskin again xD
hahas...

Gd nites =)

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2009-04-24T08:07:00.000-07:00

Today is the day that we sec 4's officially step down from our cca, well, in choir that is...
ok, i was told to proceed to the canteen earlier on after my mother tongue asp but when i went down, there wasn't anybody. so i climbed up to the 4th floor to tell regina but met her on the third so we went to the D block to look for the choir...found two "door guards"(rebecca and christabel hahas...) situated there who stopped us from going in so i started ranting about how we're locked out of our cca venue and wanted to leave when we were told that there was no food XD yeah, so we had to wait for the others to turn up before we could enter, and when we did, everyone was like staring while we were "announced" of our arrival and i was like "so there isn't gonna be a theme song or something to be played?"...yeah,lame...then we were forced to make individual speeches, which was in the order of our positions, ziqi going first...then me...basically, i started crying even before i started and got laughed at =p then Ms Lee was like "ok, in conclusion, time flies" then everyone laughed again ...spoke of how things were like before and just when i joined the choir...was still crying then...thanked everyone...apologised for past disputes...hugged ppl...watch juniors performed "hero"...then we performed "one single light"...watch the boys perform an...interesting song lols...Ms Lee gave a short speech...we thanked her...hugged her...i gave my card...and Ms Lee left early...had pizza and cake...exchanged cards...took pictures with almost everyone...left at 4.30ish...all in all, i had a great day though it was bittersweet...thanks juniors for this celebration...for the great syf performance...thank you teachers too for guiding us all the way and organising everything etc...and lastly, thank you Ms Lee!for teaching us,for grooming us to be even better,for helping us clinch the silver award...for everything too!this is really something that i'll recall everytime i think about my secondary school days in future and not just my o level results =) and thank you best friend for designing my card! i'll cherish it though the art wasn't perfect =p hahas...

I'll always remember and love you guys!

p.s. i can only post the pictures another time...my com cannot open my files now and i dunno why... -.-

2009-04-17T06:51:00.000-07:00

Hey hey hey!
i never update for like weeks alrdy =p hahas...syf is round the corner...21st April leh!!!!!!!!!!so it's like we have only 4 days!!!!and out of these 4 days,we only have 2 more practices....aaahhhh!!!!
haiz...tomorrow my schools's having a sports carnival and it's open to public so whoever wanna come,come ^^ but choir is also having practice and we're having it just as the carnival is going on,which means i can't go *sobs* T.T the sports carnival is from 8 to 1 and choir is from 8 to 3... *wails*

I WANNA GOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*cries*
this year's like my last year here lo and i don't even get to enjoy the FREE STARBUCKS which will be setting up a booth there....and milo too!!!sadded....i don' know if last year's sports carnival had starbucks too or not 'cause i had a fever on the day before as well as the actual day last year...SAD LA!!!!
I WANT STARBUCKS!!! T.T

2009-03-27T06:06:00.000-07:00

SPEECH DAY TODAY!wah...was so nervous before we went on stage...guess it was the same nervousness that killed us...ok,i'll be fair...we didn't do badly this time...instead, it was better compared to our previous performances =) well done choir!but we still need to work on many things...one of which is to overcome our stage fright...i think it really killed us...yeah so anyway,it was ok though we went too fast and too high in hotaru koi and we didn't do our dynamics in gather ye roses...but hey,we stayed in tune in gather ye roses and i'm proud of that,though we were slightly slow in the beginning of the song but no matter...the names of those who will be performing on the thirty-first of march at NAFA for the "Night of Life"(i think) and i'm glad i'm one of them *phew* i mean, i was kind of expecting not to be chosen cuz of my rather flat sound(like sitting on the notes) but a part of me kinda said that "hey you're a senior,sure get selected"...i know...conceited right?but that's not true lo cuz bieing a senior doesn't mean that you'll definitetly have a good sound...this doesn't mean that i think i have a good sound either!i still think i sound quite flat and lzb(lao-zha-bor)...it's not that i didn't try to get rid of it!it's just that i don't really know how...Ms Lee had told us to like support...raise cheekbones...sing from above...place voice higher...yeah i tried but i still think i sound the same...meh...

going to do homework le..

2009-03-24T06:14:00.000-07:00

hey...a quick word to my dear choir gals and 3 boys...
i know that whatever happened yesterday was a really big blow to all of you but hey,don't be disheartened...just put in your very best and i'm sure that things will turn out fine...but this will only work if everyone does it so i guess we'll have to communicate more...i know that i have always been quite hard on you guys but it's for your own good...but work aside, i can be quite open so feel free to approach me or the other seniors if you have any problems, regardless of songs,schoolwork,or maybe social problems but maybe keep that to a minimum =) we are already much better then before i know that you guys can do so much better...it is only a matter of how far you want to go and how much you want it...us seniors won;t be around for long so we hope for you guys to carry on improving and be more independent...work hard kae,in both your studies and in choir...just know that whatever results we get for syf,i'll be proud of you guys...give me a reason to step down completely with an eased mind =)

signing off to do my homework...

P.s. if i ever catch anyone badmouthing any teachers in their blog or something, they'll get it from me...it's just plain rude.

2009-03-19T07:45:00.000-07:00

Hey!back again...am at changi beach club celebrating my cousin's, Dave's, 21st birthday. So old!hahas...since he was enlisted in the ns last december,he has the botak esplanade hairwhich felt prickly when i touched it just now...today had a long day man...had to go to school for bio lesson,english mock oral(which i think i blew),and choir practice...when i got home,it was like around 5.30pm...shower...was like 6.40pm when i left the house...took 27 to tampines and changed bus(29)...and since it was like my first time going there...alone...i was like damn nervous and scared that i'll miss my stop...get off too early...or even miss the bus...and throughout the ride i was like repeating my mum's directions over and over again in my head...(look for changi air base on the right side...take note of left turn into cranswell road...get off at the 3rd stop...) then i was like looking for the freaking air base which i never saw in the end...luckily my mum called man...she was like"where are you now?" and i was like "I DON'T KNOW!" and she asked of there was any road signs and i was like craning my neck and looking for a sign...that place was like freaking ulu lo...a few people on the street and everywhere also dark dark 1...that time was around 8pm already when i finally reach...my mum waited for me at the bus stop and brought me to the chalet when i arrived...saw many of Dave's friends around...greeted by ebi(my cuz's maltese) who i carried around for sometime after that...had dinner(pineapple rice...bee hoon...sausage with capsicum...prawn...mushroom...honey dew...et cetra)...sang Dave birthday song(english,chinese and cantonese...his friends was like staring and laughing)had cake...took pictures with him...i think he drank too much cuz he came into the room, which i hid in to blog about this, with my aunt carol and soon after that,puked in the washroom...ester said that he puked out his cake and he was like "you go and look for what?" and she was like "i was just standing there and happen to see it" lols...hmm...11.10pm now...hope i can get home in time to catch my "beauty sleep" hahas...tomorrow have to get up at 7am...haix...choir performance and practice tomorrow...

TTFN...

2009-03-17T06:02:00.000-07:00

Heyo everyone!hmm...my blog's been dead for quite sometime right, so i guess i'll share alittle of what's been happening around me...

Mock exams: oh gosh that was a pain man, two weeks of mock exams and had to study everyday and plus the ASP's and choir practices, i was so damn exhausted...

14/3: that was the day i went to kbox for the first time in my life. yeah, i know, very sua ku right?hahas...it was ok, had alot of fun...went with teacher teo, aunt carol, uncle edmund, aunt jenny, my mum and ennie who came later on with ken. Uncle edmucd was like picking songs like happy birthday and the cantonese version...then i picked a couple too...was afraid to sing at first 'cause i was afraid of what my family would think but i loosened up after awhile 'cause no one cared how badly someone sang 'cause they themselves sang off-key too hahas...

Today: went to bugis street for the first time...i know i know...even more sua ku right?like mountain treefrog hor...anyways,i was like "wow...it's like i'm back in hong kong" cuz it's like quite similar except that the streets are narrower and that there are more people in hong kong...bought a tshirt and earrings...i was like perspiring like hell...was wearing my house tshirt cuz i went to meet my mum at plaza sing directly after choir practice that day...went to bras basah to look for last year's tys for oral communications cuz teacher wants us to do holiday homework based on that...sian ar...

hmm...i guess there's nothing else for now...till next time then! >.o

2008-10-19T06:05:00.000-07:00

yoyoyo!back again...yesterday went out with amira,zi qi,pei yu and si liang to bugis...guess what, i've had my second piercing!ok it's just on the ears, never in hell will i ever pierce anywhere other than my ears!hahas...hmm...come to think of it, it didn't hurt as much as my first set...i mean it did hurt but not as much...amira let me hold on to her arm as my ears are pierced...i hoped i didn't leave any marks on her arm =p hahas...don't think i did anyway...after that all we did was walk...yeah walk...quite uneventful but still ok...first time i talked so much to siliang...hmmm...not close....never mind...hahas...it was the first time i went out so late...left far east at around 7+...but the others said it was quite early....hmm...different restrictions i guess...then i bought a burger and my tsubasa at compasspoint where zi qi and i had some "quality time" hahas...and we talked and talked and talked...when i reached home i fed milo,ate my dinner, on the computer and printed out both e and a maths papers and did the e maths one while talking to zi qi again hahas...at around 1 i went to watch tv, during that time, my mom, sisters and dad came home and i continued watching till 2am...then i went to sleep...ok i'm boring...hahas...can't help it >.<>

2008-10-19T05:08:00.000-07:00

wow...i haven't posted anything for such a long time hahas...hmmm...ok...i was packing my cupboard a few days ago and i found some stuff that i liked and want to keep...like...

my biology file (front) -

do you know that the heart i drew happens to be of the same size as my fist?lols...coincidental huh

biology file (back)

Still life drawing of a pear and orange

free drawing-
my pencil really looked like this =D

cup and bottle

doggy character i designed for some environment mascot competition

Bart Simpson!!!

Still Life Dragon friut drawing-
too bad it was never graded...

3 view drawing of a banana

2 point perspective drawing

some scenery...

2008-09-06T08:54:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday Milo! man, i love her alot. who is she? she's my dog. she turned a year old today, which means she's roughly 10 years old in dog years ^^ she's so cute. so fluffly...cuddly...and she's staring me with her big brown eyes as i am typing this. aww she's sooooooooo cute!ahhh...love her alot X3 ^^

2008-09-06T06:19:00.000-07:00

i am only addressing one person in this entry so if anyone else feels as if it is refering to them, you can speak to me personally about this or drop me an email. whoever i am refering to in this entry will know who he or she is and i will address each of my concerns separately. the said person may also approach me on this matter.

First of all, i was really very disappointed when i read your blog. i sorry if you think that i argue with people just to irritate you or that i just want to dominate things but the only reason i did it was because i disagree with her on many levels. i won't deny that i really hate her. you want to know why? it's because she betrayed me and i don't take kindly to betrayers. besides, instead of only asking me to shut up, why don't you tell her to do so? i only fight back because she wants act as if she knows everything and that i felt strongly against it. true, i have a terribly bad temper and true, i told some people about it but not every single person i see. and trust me, people don't hate her because i told them what happened. haven't you noticed that apparently almost nobody likes her since last year? i'm not saying that i'm well liked by everybody and i don't need you to point it out for me thank you very much. i also won't deny that i vent my anger on others but don't you vent your anger on me too?sure, i've sinned but haven't you too? you said that i fight with everyone else but you and asked if it was because i was afraid to lose you. well, congrats, you've hit jackpot, i don't want to lose you. but do you know why? here's the truth. i don't want to lose you because you are one of a kind. honestly speaking, i've never had a friend like you, and that's a compliment by the way. i've always had problems with friends because i don't know how NOT to chase them away. really, i am like some sort of repellent that keeps everyone away. unlike my other friends, i found it easy to talk to you about certain subjects. you are the first person i've found to be able to think along the same lines as me during certain times. and just so you know, you are the only one i ever gave in to so be grateful.

secondly, if you don't want to hear certain stuff i talk about you can just tell me straight in the face or just change the subject. i'm not dense. furthermore, it's not my fault that i have a dog alright? is it wrong for me to love my dog and talk about her? seriously i think you're being unreasonable. i repeat, is it a sin to love a pet? i know that your religion is against dogs but is it also wrong to hear someone talk about one? i wasn't even threatening or insulting you with it. i don't really like cats but do you hear me insulting them? i don't thinks so. so get it straight, i love my dog like you would love a cat if you ever have one so please be considerate about it. and to answer your question, yes i would talk to milo but will she ever answer me?

thirdly, i think you're a coward. if you're upset with me you should confront me and not just pour out your hard feelings on your blog. yes, you might say that it's your blog so you have the right to post whatever you like on it. but have you ever considered my feelings? to know that my friend is posting insults of me on her blog? to know that everything she does is just an act? do you know that it really hurts alot? yeah, i won't deny that i've also done it once but must you really make an example of me? it's like those high school movies where the school nerd tries to be accepted by the popular group only to be rejected in front of everyone. yeah, that's how i feel when i read your entries. besides, this is not only about me. you've done it to Ms Lee too. Ms Lee did nothing wrong except for passing a few comments. sure, some of it might have been hurtful but you are taking this too personally. when she said that our pronunciation was like a fillipino, she only meant it exactly as she had said it. she didn't mean to insult your race. when she asked if you want to die, she wasn't even cursing you to actually die so why do you get so worked up? you might say that since it was directed at me i wouldn't know how it feels but how would you know that i won't understand the feeling? i've faced worst comments and statements when i was still in the band (no ofence to the band...i still think you guys rock) and it was in front of either the whole section or the whole band. so what is your problem? how do you even know that her intention was to sneer at others? you might say that she should be more sensitive and think really carefully before she speaks, that i agree to you only to some extent. but think, have you been completely sensitive towards others? have you thought of how others would feel before you pass a comment? i ask you again, have you? your blog shows otherwise. i admit that i myself hadn't been completely thoughtful too but do you really have to call people names and profanities?you wrote in your blog "NO ONE HAS E RIGHT TO CRITICISE SOMEONE ELSE UNLESS UU'RE FAR OFF BETTER THAN TT PARTICULAR PERSON!" and those where your exact words. so read it again and asked yourself, have you lived up to that statement? i think not. you called Ms Lee a "bitch", a "buffalo", a "fucking racist", "ms fucking bitch", "kaninabei" and "cibai". let me ask you something, what right do you have to call her those names? calling her those names doesn't make you any better than her and by passing those comments, you are downright RUDE! she is older than you and she doesn't deserve to be called those names! if she is an animal then so are you. you recite the pledge five days a week and it clearly says "we build a democratic society, based on JUSTICE and EQUALITY". are you doing her justice by calling her names she doesn't deserve? how would you like it if other people made fun of your size? i admit that she's no super model but she is as much of a buffalo as you are if you are to call her one. besides, there's no need to challenge someone to do something. do you know that it is as good as daring someone to do something? dares are stupid and everyone knows it. by daring her to do something as stupid as that shows your immaturity and incapability to handle such matters. and what right have you to say that her parents didn't teach her moral values? what if she turned out to be an orphan? what if she only have one parent like you? if you say that her parents didn't teach her any moral values, then what about you? you've been far worse than her so how does it reflect on your parent? i'm no angel myself but at least i don't call people names(except for mushroom). and who said that she didn't respect us? just because you can't tell when she's showing her respect doesn't mean she didn't alright. besides, by passing those comments, do you honestly think that you deserve her respect? think about it, who really is the monster and who really is the man?

my fourth concern and hopefully my last is that though a blog is for expressing one's feelings and thoughts, one mustn't go too far and must exercise control and responsibilty at all times. you have abused the purpose of a blog by bad mouthing people on yours. so what if many other people did it too? do you really want to stoop to their level? if you have any concerns regarding tohers, you should speak out and not just pour everything out on your blog. you might retaliate, saying that i haven't set that example myself so i shouldn't be asking people to do it. you're right. but do you want to listen to my views? if i were to so much as mention why you're wrong, you'll just shoot me an sms later on or tell me to fuck off immediately and ramble on about what a horrible friend i've been. but ask yourself this, have you been a good friend to me? you always expect me to understand your problems and give you perfect advice but when things go wrong, you blame me for not understanding you and that i never will because i HAVE NEVER EXPERIENCED THEM MYSELF BEFORE. so instead of saying that over and over again, why don't you tell me how i should feel? you've bad mouthed many people (whom i shall not name) in my presence and in your text messages to me. but let me tell you, you are just as bad as them. you talk about friends who are insensitive towards you and brought you lots of trouble. the sequences concert was a good enough example. i shall not go into detail about that, you know exactly what i am talking about. it is only from your blog that i know you've been bad mouthing me too. perfect example of a friend huh? when you get mad, you talk be hind their back but when they please you, you thank them like there's no end to it.

i've tolerated your actions and words long enough. you've never thought of how others will feel before doing anything. talk about this being one of the many sides of you, this is just you showing how immature you are to be unable to understand things from another point of view. once, when i told you that i don't want to fight with you and give you advice, you just sneered at me and said that if an ah lian was in her place, she would have beaten me up. do you know what ah lians actually are? let me enlighten you. they are cowards who will do anything to protect themselves and resort to violence to solve problems. so are you and ah lian or not? i think you're not. you are just a child who think that the whole world is against you and that God have cursed you to live a horrible life and to die a horrible death. you are being very self centered and selfish. i've always tried to make you understand that the world is not against you and that there are still people who love you but you never listened. tell me, what must i do to show you that i am not just a person passing through your life? that I care for you? how? please tell me how.

do you know how much it hurts to read stuff that a person whom you love and trust alot wrote about you. i am not a lesbian. i am not in love with you. i love you as a friend. so please. open your eyes to the things around you. things that are worth being thankful and glad for. things which i never had. i never had a friend reach out to me and pull me up when i fall like i want to do for you. let me help you. i'm not asking you to worship me but to be happy. do not dwell on the unpleasant times, only on the good times. if you ever read this and don't want me around you any longer, i completely understand and will respect your wishes. i don't want to force you in to anything. i've provoked you enough in this entry and i will stop here. take care.

2008-08-23T09:36:00.000-07:00

it hurts...it really really hurts...why do i always get this kind of things coming to me?everytime you make a hurtful comment i'll have to keep quiet...if i ever let the anger or frustration that i feel inside me near the surface u'll just flare up immediately...why?...i've tried so hard to understand everything but i can't...i'm not God, whether he existed or not...but whatever...sometimes it feels as if the world will just collapse around me and u won't even care cuz i'm just a passing phase in your life...honestly...i give and i give but nothing good ever comes out of it...sometimes i even start to wonder if everyone's just using me...and everytime that thot came up, i pushed it away...call me emo if u like but i seriously feel that way...i always have to put a fake smile on my face...hoping someone will notice...but it never happened...if i ever let it out...ppl start to say that i'm trying to seek attention or that i'm just pitying myself...i always have to be the "mature" one and tell ppl things like "it will be ok" and "everythings gonna work out fine"...i reach out to others and i always try to help them but no one ever tried to reach out to me...no one will ever understand me completely...many years ago another told me that she understood me and laid out my good and bad qualities...i'll be lying if i said that i wasn't impressed then...it was like she will always protect me...but as time goes by...she changed...i'm always seen as the black sheep...along with HIM...it hurt...i tried to look elsewhere for comfort but never was i offered any...no one bother to get to know me...they just know to fake me...the one who always keeps her mouth shut about the things that mattered...i can't stand it...i feed myself illusions that one day i'll be free of all this and someone will complete me...be it as a friend or a lifelong companion...but the world keeps telling me "think again honey, life's not a walk in the garden"...i can't even make myself cry...pathetic huh?it became a habit that i never liked to cry in front of ppl because i'll be showing them exactly how i am really like...helpless...vulnerable...unable to fend for myself...it really really hurts...

2008-08-09T09:07:00.000-07:00

Happy National Day!wow...had a great time just now at the floating platform...was partying...dancing...and sweating.hahas...yeah i really had a lot of fun...though there were embarrassing moments too...like when we were dancing to the song "Where I Belong", i accidently knocked off sharifah's hat and it actually landed off the stage and she had to dance without her cap...darn was it embarrassing...afterwards when Mr Lenny told her to retreive her hat...i got off the stage to get it for her...i mean i've already caused her enough embarrassment and since i was the one who knocked it out of her hand so it only seemed fair that i should go and get it...and during the grand finale everyone was like partying...human trains were everywhere...dancing...loud music...awesome...took pictures(a few) with Eden(Irene took even more indivual shots with him!)...today was just perfect(except for the part when i knocked off the hat) and i'll never ever forget it...i have never enjoyed myself that much in my life...i hope that we get to keep our props ^^

2008-08-02T08:33:00.000-07:00

Hi...i know i vry long never update already so don't need to scold me...just happen to look at my blog and realise how dead it really seems so since i have alot of time on my hands now, i decided to update ^^ anyway, i just got back from marina bay...what was i doing there?performing for ndp though today's just the preview...so must watch tv next saturday ar!(09/08/08) this year dunno why so lucky my school get chosen to perform with nine other schools for ndp...as for whaty segment i performing in, its the choir. When i came back home i was damn tired...dirty and sweaty...so now surfing the internet to pass time until the show i want to watch starts...hahas...so now here i am but not for long lols...ok i'm being damn lame...ok i think this is enough for now >.<>

2008-03-08T11:06:00.000-08:00

camp sucks man...the whole thing is basically juz like paying money to suffer...muddy grounds...dirty bathrooms that are always full...noisy tiring nights...first night was terrible...juz when i layed out my sleeping bag and lie down to sleep...that erika go and wake everybody up and force us to move to make space...then after we move...i lied down again to sleep but the other 2 sections had gotten back and some girls in the marquee screamed like all hell had broken loose juz because a frog jumped in -.- ...after the frog was chased away i thought that o'll finally be able to get some sleep...but someone decided that switching off the lights was not enough and switched off the fans too juz because they thought it might be cold...in the end everybody in the tent had to suffer from the heat...second night was better...the campfire(artificial fire due to the rain) was a blast...i had a lot of fun...cindy, pei yu and i were like singing and swaying madly to the loud music the camp instructors blasted on the speakers...then we went to meet up with amira and zeenat...i barely hadany voice left due to all the crap singing and cheering we did during the late afternoon...a boys-vs-girls "where's the peanut" game...some of the responses was like so lame but damn funny at the same time....that single night practically made up for all the crappy stuff that happened throughout the whole camp...save for the part where the whole of group 13...my group...went on the jump rope and did nine rounds of it all in a row...i,and i guess everyone else did too,felt a sense of accomplishment...so...i guess the camp was really all that sucky huh...after the camp fire and everything...even though we were granted permission to stay up and everything...once i got back to the marquee and layed out my sleeping bag...i collapsed on it and fell asleep almost immediately...when we came back to school the next day...was so tired that my legs ache so i took a bus home...man was i glad to finally be home =) now gotta rush homework so that got time to enjoy =3

2008-03-02T01:14:00.000-08:00

friday was mr shen's last day with us, the choir...still can't believe that he's gone...looking back on past year we spent with him...i realised that we've had alot of fun together...he is a nice person to get along with and has been like a friend to all of us...the day he announced he was leaving...i cried my eyes dry...yes, i admit that i cried and i won't deny it...he told us, the commitee, that he chose the song 'roads' as a dedication to us, that whatever path we take in life we must be confident and let it lead us to our future...gosh...i cried even more when i heard that...he told us that he wants to attempt to go for a master degree or if he's unsuccessful, look for a job...i understand his doings...he's comed to a point in his life where he must decide what to do,as he told us, and i respect and accept that...but i just can't stop thinking, throughout his last practice with us, that he's leaving and that he's never coming back to teach us again...that he'll never tease or bully me during practice again...and when the alumni sang take these wings,tears keep falling from my eyes...things got worse when mr shen sang it after they did...i got amira to video some part of it for me for remembrance...when he sang...i felt as if some part of me,of the choir is gone with him...i cried even harder and tears kept falling down my face the more itried to stem the flow...i just can't let go...i know that the choir will never be the same without him...after his song...he thanked amira, ziqi...and the others who had been with him since they joined the choir...and he thanked me...for guiding the others,to me, it was his silent encouragement...whoever the next instructor is,i know that he'll will never be able to replace the hole left by mr shen in our choral family...matter how good he or she may be...they will never take his place...someday...i hope to see mr shen again or, even better...be in the same choir as him...he is more than just a choir instructor to us...he is like our friend...like a far off family member who we never got to know really well...i made him a card the night before his final practice with us...thanking him for all he'd done for us...it's not much...but at least i did something...and i hope he won't forget us...just like we will never forget him...

Roads - Steve dobrogosz

Some take high roads
Some take low roads
Some take any road
Beneath their feet
Some take soft roads
Any way the wind blows
Some take lonely roads
That never meet

Some take long roads
Some take dark roads
And some take hard roads
No one else can see
Some are safe on the good roads
Others lost on the bad roads
But they all come back
They all come back
They all come back to Thee

Some take soft roads
Any way the wind blows
Some take lonely roads
That never meet

Some take long roads
Some take dark roads
Some take hard roads
No one else can see
Some are safe on the good roads
Others lost on the bad roads
But they all come back
They all come back
They all come back to Thee

2008-01-13T03:06:00.000-08:00

11 jan '08

i'm a year older alrdy...ahh...15...so old...hahas...this morning 'miira,pei yu and zeenat announced to e whole class tt its my birthday...sheesh...nvm =) shows tt they rmb its my day...and they got me a bank...money-minded me huh =) so sweet...gahh...one of my best days at sch =) special thx to 'miira,zeenat and pei yu =) luvs u guys! ^^ and i still wonder how ms yeow knew its my birthday...hmm...i know!i'll force it out of her soon or i'llbug her to death!muahahahaha!thank goodness i'm her el rep =D hahas...makes e job so much easier XD

2007-12-05T01:30:00.000-08:00

Back again =) wahh...my leg muscles are really hurting...must be e 10km marathon i ran-walk on sunday...yeah...must be it...lolx...Milo's much bigger now...fatter...naughtier...hyper...n so much cuter!!!!!hahas...but been so naughty lately...keep on peeing on e floor...and most of e time it's like a few cm away from the newspaper...and sometimes she get so hyper that she bites...thankfully all of her front teeth are not out yet lolx...but i can tell that she's vry proud of this fang that she has at the side...though sometimes she does pee on the newspaper...oh well...still young...so she still can get away with lots of things =) ahh...i'm so used to her being around that i almost cannot imagine life without her =) n she's been here for like 2 weeks only!hahas...cute Milo....

2007-11-09T04:33:00.000-08:00

Wow...I didn't know it was so long since I updated this!To tell the truth,playing with the template was so much more fun =P lolx...Anyways, I'm so happy!Guess what,my mum got a dog!And it's so small, with the little paws and cute face and tiny tail...and...and...ahh!I'll stop ranting about the puppy hahas >.< oops ="P

2007-01-27T06:05:00.000-08:00

**sobs** i'm so sad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! my mum finally managed to drag me to the hair dresser's.....and she told them to cut off 3 inches of my hair! 3 whole flaming inches of my precious hair! and to think that i spent about 1 year just to grow my hair to its previous lenght,and 3 inches was cut off in just five minutes!i'm so depressed...now i can't used it to hide my name tag to prevent teachers from calling me up to answer questions because they don't know my name......now it just bearly touches the end of the collar of my uniform..let alone cover the name tag.......

but thats not important.....I WANT MY HAIR BACK!!!!!!!!!!!

...._ (")"""(") _....

., '.' =(")o(")= ~``

/ '/, (,,)x(,,) )> ,\` \

2006-12-23T00:23:00.000-08:00

Yoz..Just came back from band camp 2 days ago...was sooo tired...the night before only sleep 5hr30min coz they organise a campfire after the bbq all the way until 12+...but still quite fun...listening to my senior,Joshua,singing in his off-key voice...opps..hope he nvr see this!! =p Band camp is quite fun...but all the three days must do drill...

And when we are doing drill,some of the boys don't want to lift their leg high enough then Andy,our previous drum major,kepp saying,"why you don't lift your leg?Cannot support your two balls ar?"lolx...and sometimes he still ask them,"I let you choose,you want girl or no balls?"damn funny...

Then,on the last day of the camp,we have a gift exchange between Zhenghua,Shuqun and my school and most of the ppl all buy chocolates...Speaking of gift exchange...christmas is also coming round...wonder what i'll get...I'm really looking forward to christmas,even though it means that school is going to reopen vry soon...haiz...so sian...

2006-12-02T05:47:00.000-08:00

Todays the 1st National Creative Musical Challenge...Was sooooo nervous >.< ...And when we reached NUS, we have to rehearse IN FRONT OF the rest of the other competing schools...It was so embarassing...I had to bite my lip to stop myself from laughing out loud...

We, my school band, competed in just the musical category of the competition and it was hard enough...The bands that are competing in the musical category are ZhengHua Sec, Yio Chu Kang Sec and my school band...And those that are competing in the show-something(cant remember =p) category are Cedar Girls School,PeiYi Sec,Tanjong Katong Girls School and the last school I cant remember but their band uniform looks alot like PeiYi Sec's...

ZhengHua and Yio Chu Kang band were both quite good and I was quite certain that they would win...but..in the end..Compassvale won! Whoo-Hoo!Was so happy that I didn't mind that we have to perform again... ^^ Best day of my life!